I know it’s been two months, but I have a baby. That makes it hard. I’ve been lucky if I get 15 minutes a day to write.
No from the Deming Memorial Fund, I did not get a grant from them to fund my short story collection dealing with identity among Indian-American women
No from Word Riot, I did not get a small travel grant to fund my three-city reading tour of New Mexico’s rural communities (though my husband and I are talking about just doing it anyway– we don’t need validation from anyone that our project is worthy)
There was another No, but I can’t remember now what that was from. I am anxiously awaiting a No from Bread Loaf too. Pessimistic? Nah, realistic.
My reading at Bookworks back in March went well. It was a multimedia presentation, and people seemed interested. So I will have to do that again when/if I do another reading for the book. It’s been hard to get motivated when there is a tremendous amount of energy/effort/preparation that goes into these things with very little return. It’s not about the money.
I spent the last three days, almost 10 hour days, at the first ever Southwest Book Fiesta. It was a disaster, to put it mildly. They were charging people admission fees to come and buy books. I don’t know whose idea that was. And so as a result, there were not many people there. That was just one of the myriad issues. I won’t bore you. Needless to say, I sold very VERY few books. The bright side– the panel I did with Eirik about getting published in literary journals went well. It was the first time I’ve done something like that, and I felt relaxed and my normally goofy self. It was informative, and people afterward said they learned quite a bit. We are going to branch out and contact libraries/bookstores to offer this presentation elsewhere. I also read a short story as part of the Dimestories event on the main stage. I did sell a few books afterward, so that was good.
My kids were such troopers. They were dragged around by my husband for three days, but it was only on the third day that my oldest had a meltdown. But we were constantly getting people coming over to tell us how well-behaved our children were. I’m glad. They are good kids. I love them so much even though they piss me off most of the time. And Sheryl Sandberg is right. Having a partner who is invested in you and the marriage is so crucial to women who are wanting a career. If my husband weren’t so supportive, I don’t think I would be able to do as much as I do. Thanks is not justice enough. I love him so much even though he pisses me off sometimes too (haha).
I’m going to end on a sour note, which is not great. I have a few minutes (oldest is playing in his room, youngest is napping), and this is usually when I’d take the 15 – 30 minutes I might have to write, but instead I am writing on my blog because, well, I’ve sort of become disillusioned. Is it worth it? All the effort? The sacrifice, not only that I make, but my husband, my children? Wouldn’t it just be easier to say fuck it, I won’t write anymore, and just have that part of my life just go away? I know we all go through these ups and downs, but it’s hard when a large part of your stress is scrambling for time, and if that stress went away, how light you would feel….how much time I would have to spend with my family, to spend with friends instead of isolated in an office that is tiny and cramped with crap that we have nowhere else to store…
For now I am updating my blog and seeing what happens.